December 2, 2024

Yesterday while contemplating the reading, Luke 21:25-28, 34-36, I got in touch with a deep level of fear and abandonment in myself, that despite trying to be brave and put a good face on it, I have this profound fear.  It might be part of the vulnerability of being human in this transient life, or it might be from the traumatic experiences I had as a baby and child, followed by more trauma as an adult.  It might be PTSD in fact. 

I also saw that part of my “deal” with the universe is that if I work very hard – early on to please my parents, later to please my partner, to please others, to earn money, to care for my family – that hard work will fend off the fear of abandonment and perdition.  I have derived a sense of safety from hard work and earning money, a sense of predictability and survivability.  Now I will stop working for a while, like one of those roadrunners who zooms off a cliff and suddenly finds themselves hovering in midair with nothing to catch them. It is a funny image.

As I was sitting feeling that tremendous fear, I felt I couldn’t breathe.  Then I internally saw my guardian angel or one of the angels was fanning me with her white wing to give me air.  It was a lovely caring image.  I wish I could paint it, perhaps someday.

Later when I went to church it was wonderful to receive the body of Christ (communion) after a gap of a few weeks.  I felt how corporeal is the warmth of his love, and how it intermingles with the love between earthly partners until it becomes almost indistinguishable.